It’s finally February and the corpse of summer lies frozen on the stoop. The crystals on its blue lips sparkle prettily in the cold. The warm days of summer are a memory so distant as to be surreal. I look down on the cracked sidewalk, glittering with swirls of salt, and I think, “In six month’s time I’ll be sweating in a steambath of piss and hot garbage rising from this cement.” I know it to be true, but the intensity of a New York City summer seems impossible and absurd to me now.
I quit smoking for good when I was 18. But that was preceded by many failed attempts. The thing that always got me was the way the cravings wore me down. The first few weeks I was geared up mentally for a beating. I knew what was coming. The intense cravings, the overwhelming obsession, the reaching for a smoke and then realizing, “Oh, right, I quit,” only to reach for another smoke ten minutes later. I always prepared for that battle, but then I lost the war because when six months went by and I was hit with another craving, the fight was gone. I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Never mind that those cravings were nothing compared to the early days, I simply had no defense left. That weak spot, that depletion, it has a name: February.
I tuck into Autumn with a morbid thrill. Here it comes! Like a soldier excitedly going off to war. I know that horrors await, but for now, the whole thing is an adventure. By February that’s all gone. Don’t get me wrong. My life is far from joyless. Friendship and family warm me in the winter cold. But something about the chill reaches into me and grabs my heart. I’ve learned to let it. Grimness is as much a part of life as hope.
Don’t shrink from it. Let the vapor of February into your soul. It deserves to rest in you as much as any other month. And when it leaves, you’ll still be you and I’ll still be me.
February is also my birth month. I was due in April but came early because I needed to shiver with you all as soon as I could. A tiny preemie put in a box, I greeted the world through my mother’s gloved hands. It was a wonder I survived. I’m glad I did.
Sitting beside you by the fire,
I am,
Your Free Life Coach,
Sean Sakamoto
Beautiful ! ❤️
Omg I’m also a February baby :)