My Best Self Is Outnumbered
My Three internal guides: Fear, the Scammer, and Intuition
I was reading yet another captivating essay by scientist and writer, Erik Hoel, about the idea of consciousness being created by multiple constituent parts, and I thought about my own divided mind.
I read somewhere a theory that our minds are made up of several consciousnesses, but we only identify with one of them: the talkative part of our brain that takes credit for all the hard work that everyone else is doing. That feels right to me. I do a lot of “thinking,” but my best ideas often seem to come out of nowhere. There are probably deep thinkers way down in my hind-brain, unthanked and unrecognized, that toil away on concepts and then serve them up when they’re ready. Then a lazy, know-it-all consciousness that’s seated in a chunk of brain-meat that only evolved in humans a few weeks ago (relatively speaking), grabs the idea and says, “Thanks, fellas, I’ll take it from here!”
I can almost feel it happening on some days. But here’s the thing: I think there are a few of these consciousnesses in my head, or heart, or headheart. I’ve narrowed the most active down to three: Fear, Intuition, and the scammer. Fear is loud and argues, intuition is quiet and slides by, never hanging around to fight. I’ve probably mentioned this before in Free Life Coach, but it’s very important to me, and I can never focus on it enough.
Fear is loud. Intuition is quiet. But, for me, fear is often, if not always, wrong. But it’s so loud and so insistent that I’m often persuaded despite its terrible track record. Fear is a lawyer in my mind, always ready for another argument.
What usually happens is that intuition says, ‘do this thing,’ and fear says, ‘DO NOT EVER DO THAT THING.” My fear really bosses me around. It tells me to say things I shouldn’t and not speak up when I should. It tells me not to take jobs that I should take and to take jobs that I shouldn’t take. It always shows up at just the right time with exactly the wrong advice. And I follow it often. In fact, my fear was so loud for so much of my life that it was the only voice I ever knew existed. My intuition was drowned out.
But, as I matured, I started to discover that I had intuition. I found it in quieter times. When it suggested something, like, “Maybe he’s not right for you” in a relationship, or “I think you can do this” in a creative pursuit, I became interested. But, then fear would quickly follow with the counter advice. When I challenged my intuition to make a stronger case, it vanished. But whenever I did what fear told me to, I wound up miserable.
I only learn through intense emotional pain. So, after misery upon misery, I slowly began to bend my worldview, like a piece of steel being hammered into a new shape. Blow upon blow, clanging misery after clanging misery, formed me into the kind of person who looks inward to my intuition for guidance. I found that the more I look for my intuition, the clearer it becomes. It’s like coaxing a hamster out of a hole. If I’m patient and don’t make any sudden moves, eventually it sits in the palm of my hand. But I can’t freak out, and I’m prone to freaking out. But when I do, it runs right back into the hole, leaving just me and my fear which never shuts up.
I know what you’re probably thinking. You want to say, “But Sean, fear is really helpful. It tells us not to do stupid things that will kill us! It keeps us out of DANGER.” That is correct. But get this, the few times in my life that my fear has been right, it agreed with my intuition. Ask your fear if you should jump in front of a speeding truck. Now do an intuition/gut check and see what it says. It will say, “why are you asking me this, you already know the answer.”
Trusting my intuition is so hard. Trusting my fear is so easy. I trust my fear before it even opens its mouth. It always tells me to do the easy thing. My intuition asks me to act despite my fear. That’s damn hard for me. I’m skittish. I’m fearful. But damn, when I follow my intuition, it’s always been right.
So how do I learn to listen to my intuition? Well, friends, my path may not be your path. I find that when I meditate, which is not often, my mind calms enough for intuition to make itself known — Not while I’m meditating, but generally. I find that when I ignore the fearful rumination long enough, it makes space for another type of thought, usually my intuition. Sometimes my intuition is there, but I’ve gotten so used to ignoring it I don’t always recognize it. What thoughts have I been batting away like flies that were really guidance?
Sometimes I get advice from a friend and realize my intuition has been telling me the same thing for months. Other times I ask myself a question and find that my intuition is the first answer I give — the one that I talk myself out of in the following minutes and hours. I also look for a voice that aligns with my values. Typically, if an impulse is directing me toward something that I also believe is right, that’s my intuition. My fear is much, much less concerned with my values. In fact, it often tells me to do things that I know are wrong.
Once I think I know what my intuition is telling me to do, I always check it out with people I trust. I usually need another perspective on things. My intuition typically doesn’t require that I act quickly. I can take time with it. Intuition, I find, is like the opposite of a scammer, the third voice that crops up with manic promises. Here are some signs of a scam from the Oregon Department of Justice:
Scammers tell you To Keep It “Secret”
Scammers make it Sound Too Good To Be True.
Scammers contact you “Out Of The Blue”
Scammers claim: “There Is An ‘Emergency;:
If the voice in my head is urging me to try this great idea that came out of the blue, do it now, don’t tell anyone, and it’ll work out great, it’s not my intuition. It doesn’t happen often, but I need to be aware of it.
I don’t know if any of this is useful for you, dear reader. My fear says, “Don’t sent this blather, you’re embarrassing yourself.” But my intuition says, “Maybe someone will get something out of it.” Welp, here goes!
Sitting in the palm of your hand like a nervous hamster,
I remain,
Your Free Life Coach,
Sean Sakamoto
What would the universe have me be if the fear were removed? If I am not obsessed then I am free. Free to approach people, places, and things with love and curiosity.
There's a former FBI profiler named Gavin deBecker who wrote a couple of books about trusting your intuition, one about personal safety and the other about your child's safety. I think the title of the second one is "Protecting the Gift". Your column today reminded me :-)