Friends, I have a confession. I am a pseudo-intellectual. This is not a boast, nor is it self-deprecation. It sure isn’t a humble brag. It’s a chronic condition that I’m trying to manage. I pray about it. I work against it. But I also own it. Because if I can be honest about this trait, then I can spend less time doing its bidding.
In fact, even the word ‘pseudo-intellectual’ is unnecessarily smart-sounding. The better, even less flattering term is “know-it-all.” God, I hate know-it-alls. They corner you at parties, they pick at whatever anyone says with an annoying, “well, actually…” they reduce (and misstate) your ideas with an obtuse: “At the end of the day…” or “So it all boils down to this…”
I have done all those things. I cringe at the confession.
When I hear a know-it-all begin his (it’s usually a he, though not always) bluster, my entire body tenses, as if preparing for battle. Why not just let it go? Because I know better! See the problem? I hate those guys. I am one of those guys.
My own animosity was the clue that has helped me, but I had to be willing to gaze at the uncomfortable truth. The gift that people I can’t stand give me is often the truth about myself if I’m willing to hear it. Put simply: If you spot it, you got it. Put smarmily, when you point a finger, there are three pointing back at you.
There are plenty of things that I despise that I don’t have inside. But the repugnance I feel for them is clean.
There are plenty of things that I despise that I don’t have inside. But the repugnance I feel for them is clean. It doesn’t get its hooks into me. It doesn’t make me feel incredibly itchy on the inside of my soul.
When I hear an overly-confident blowhard begin to dismiss or nitpick for no good reason, I suffer inside because I’m staring at the least favorite thing about myself and it’s unbearable. Other people just steer clear, but me, I’m fixated and flustered at the same time.
I have friends with different maladies: status-obsessed who hate the status-obsessed, competitive who can’t stand competitiveness, self-pitying who will not tolerate the sad sacks, self-righteous who despise piety. I have all those things to some degree, but when I see it in others I just shrug and move on. Because those things don’t run as deep as the part that just has to get a word in, can’t wait to tell you what I think, is dying to point out the flaw in your argument.
Why am I a know-it-all? Because I’m terrified that I’m a dummy and you won’t like me if you find out.
Why am I a know-it-all? Because I’m terrified that I’m a dummy and you won’t like me if you find out. And the truth is, I’m not as smart as I want to be. I wish I could do the math behind the physics that says there is no past, present, or future. I’d love to know what Walter Benjamin meant when he wrote: “The work is the death mask of its conception.” But those things are simply beyond my comprehension. And that’s OK!
I still have things to share. I have a deep and abiding love for the human race and occasionally find an angle on things that other people like. I share joy, wonder, pain, and suffering with my fellow humans. I’m sure you do too. But I’m also a loudmouth who can’t stand loudmouths.
But I’ve gotten so much better about this over the years.
So that’s my Free Life Coach tip for the week, as painful as it is: Think about what you truly, deep down, simply cannot stand in a person and then ask yourself, “Do I do that?”
If the answer is yes, then you have my condolences. I know how it feels. It’s a squirmer for sure. Then, have some compassion for people who are like that. Summon it, I know you can. Why? Because if you can see, and then forgive, the insecurity, the fear, the very human need to be loved or liked or admired that is driving that obnoxious trait in others, then you can forgive it in yourself.
I forgive you already. Even if you’re a know it all.
Hugging you virtually as we cry about what jerks we are,
I am and always will be,
Your Free Life Coach,
Sean Sakamoto
If you smelt it you dealt it
I totally get this feeling! But don’t forget the truth that is in there, that you are actually an intellectual, just a truthful intellectual who knows that there are gaps in what you know (and all intellectuals have gaps but not all are truthful about them), and therefore can feel anxious about representing yourself as you are. This is a virtue, not a vice, it just feels uncomfortable. I suspect most loudmouths are dishonest and don’t feel uncomfortable at all. Hugs from a fellow pseudo-intellectual!