There’s been a lot of talk of loneliness lately. Books, columns, podcasts, substacks. I believe the years of lockdown made worse a long trend of social isolation. As someone who has put friendship and community at the top of my priorities, I have learned a thing or two about this and want to share my perspective.
I recently had the good fortune to visit my son where he’s studying in school. I hung out with his friends, and they were all great. Smart, inquisitive, friendly, and kind, each in their own way. That, out of everything, gave me the most relief. Any parent can tell you, when your kid is away, you worry. At least I do. We’ll do a deep dive into worry in another FREE LIFE COACH column later.
I realized that each of my son’s friends created a composite of him, in a very general sense. If I extrapolate on that a bit, the same could be said of society. Just as we are the company we keep, we are the culture in which we live.
In a recent interview, the author Naomi Klein tried to make a point a few times that I think went over her interviewer’s head. She talked about how our culture can “light up different parts of ourselves.” She said that when our society turns cruel, we can become more cruel, or when it becomes authoritarian, it can bring out authoritarian impulses within us. Her take is the sociological view, one step up, from the psychological view of ‘we are the company we keep.’
I love her phrasing, that our culture “lights up different parts of us.” It’s an elegant way of describing that we all contain multitudes, and that, given the right circumstances, we may all be capable of great change, for better and worse. It’s a terrifying truth because it implies that we could all “be the baddies” without even knowing it, just because everyone around us is also the baddies. In the comedy skit I just linked to, a nazi notices that they’re wearing skulls on their caps. He turns to his buddy and asks, “Are we the baddies?”
So what are these parts of ourselves that can light up, depending on what’s happening around us? I’ve seen them discussed in many ways over the years.
There’s the Christian classic: Satan vs. God. Then there’s the Buddhist classic: Higher nature vs. lower nature. Then there's the parable from Sitting Bull: “Inside of me there are two dogs. One is mean and evil and the other is good and they fight each other all the time. When asked which one wins I answer, the one I feed the most.”
We’ve all had the experience of fighting ourselves over a decision. Do I eat another cookie? Do I tell the cashier that they gave me the wrong change? Do I give the homeless man five bucks? Do I hit the gym instead of scrolling on my phone? We know intuitively that we have our ‘best self’ who makes the right decisions, and we have our worst self who doesn’t. Life feels, at least for me, like I’m on a balance beam, but I’m so far off the beam it’s not even in view most days.
So what’s that have to do with authoritarianism, anyway?
I believe we dwell way too much on the psychological level. We focus on the inner impulses that we struggle to control. We do what we can to ‘feed the good dog.’ We make to-do lists and motivate ourselves with resolutions and pledges. That’s fine. But we’re ignoring the other way we can light up the better parts of ourselves: community. I draw strength and inspiration for the tough decisions simply by being in the middle of a community of people who are also striving to make the right choices. That’s not to say we always live up to our values, but we agree that we strive to do so.
When it comes to community, I have found that there are two aspects that must not be confused:
Shared values
Common interests
I have been very involved in communities based on both. Within each, I can meet certain needs for company, fellowship, and fun. But I have to understand which is which for my own sanity. If I’m in a community of fellow hikers, or film buffs, or board game players, I can’t expect to relate to the group on matters of values, except as they relate to our shared interest. Hikers: leave no trace. Gamers: Respect the rules. Beyond that, I can’t expect a fellow Dungeons and Dragons enthusiast to help me think through where my spiritual practice is lacking or how to make amends to someone I’ve wronged, or where to get help with a bad habit I can’t break.
And if I am in a group based on shared values, I can’t be disappointed if nobody in that group cares as much as I do about the books, films, or other interests that I have. That’s not what that group does. They help me live up to my values, and I’m there to help them do the same.
My friends, however, must share both values and interests. I don’t need a ton of friends, but I rely on a few close ones. I need them to keep me closer to the beam, to speak up if they see me wandering. To sound out on big decisions. And I do the same for them. We check in and talk often. Daily. It’s a practice, and it is important to my very survival. It’s also key to me not feeding the mean dog inside, and it protects me from aspects of my society lighting up parts of me that don’t need any encouragement. They help me not become a baddie. And, lastly, I need to be sure that I’m providing that to my friends, because none of this works if I’m not giving away the thing I hope to get.
FREE LIFE COACH PRESCRIPTION
Take a moment to consider whether or not you have a place you can go for conversations about how you live your values. And if you have a place you can go to enjoy what you love with other people. And ask yourself if you have friends who share both? If so, call them and ask them how they’re doing.
If not, is there a place you can start looking? It may take time and you may have to fail a few times. But it will nourish you in ways nothing else can.
Just another ghost in a meat shell on this crazy planet,
I am,
Your Free Life Coach,
Sean Sakamoto
FREE LIFE COACH will always be free because wisdom is meant to be shared, not sold. The more we help each other for free, the better we feel. Don’t believe me? Help someone for free and see if you don’t get a little boost.
❤️❤️❤️❤️Sean. Thank you for this one.