Busting Chops
How to Survive A Male Ritual
In the U.S., a classic way for men to express affection for one another is to “bust balls.” Also known as breaking balls or busting chops. Growing up in the Midwest, this was a particularly potent form of male expression. I hated it.
The rules for busting balls appear to go something like this: Say something mean to your male pal/relative. If they laugh, do it again soon and praise them for being a good sport at some point. If they get hurt, say, “You’re too sensitive.” If they say something mean back, get upset, and consider ending the friendship for the day, maybe the week or more. Do this ALL THE TIME.
My father’s preferred technique was to say something mean, and then call me “Alice” if I got upset. “What’s the matter, Alice, can’t take a joke?” Why he used such a nice name to emasculate me is a mystery. If I continued to be hurt or upset, he would deploy the coup de grace, “I was just winding you up, you’re so sensitive.” You see, we’re all having fun here and I’m ruining it with my darn feelings!
To the uninitiated, busting balls can be confusing. Why would you say something mean to your friend/father/son? It took me forever to figure this out, but I finally did. There are four reasons:
Passive Aggression: If your loved one does something that bothers you and you lack the courage to discuss, in a matter-of-fact way, that you don’t like something about them, just couch it as a joke and humiliate them instead. When they get mad, you can then bust their balls again for not being able to take a joke.
Proof of Manhood: By saying mean things, you’re proving how invulnerable you are to human emotions since any feeling person wouldn’t say that kind of thing to someone they love.
Cruelty. Sometimes, if you’re my dad in 1980s Michigan, it’s just fun to wreck someone.
Affection. Yes, it’s true, every now and then, some good-natured ribbing can actually be a well-intentioned joke that lets your friends know that you see them, you know them, and you love them. Or it can be used as a corrective measure when you’re taking yourself too seriously. This is VERY RARE, but is used to provide cover for the previous three reasons.
What do you do when you’re getting your balls busted?
This is a tough one. The first step is to determine, if you can, whether or not your friends are actual psychopaths. If they are, then you just have to swallow the feelings boiling inside, especially if they just landed a good one, and look bored. Give a half smile that somehow conveys a sense of listlessness and pity at the same time. Maybe raise your eyebrows. Your expression should say, “You’re boring and I feel a tiny bit sorry for you.” But do not say any of this or you will be challenging them to up their game. Just flash a micro-expression of boredom and then ask if anyone’s hungry. Go by some wings or something. Never talk to this person again.
If they are an actual friend with a conscience and feelings, then you have two options:
A) Name it: “Hey, that hurt, man. Can you not say mean shit to me?” I’ve had mixed results with this approach. If you go down this road, you have to stick with it. It will provoke a double-down of ball-busting. Hold that earnest expression and just stay on message, “No, really, I don’t like it when you say mean things and call them jokes. Can we talk about something else?” By doing this, you are invoking the demon of human emotion and killing the joke. It sometimes works. At the very least, it takes the fun out of the ball busting because it makes things awkward and eventually they’ll stop trying with you.
B) The Nuclear Option: When your friend or relative takes a shot, say something back that’s incredibly cruel. “That crack would land a lot better if it came from a guy who didn’t: get abandoned by the love of his life, gain 20 pounds in the past year, fail miserably at his career. You name it, just pick something that’s going to really hurt. Their face will go red, they will huff and puff, and when they do, you come back with the spiritual headshot, “Ah, you can dish it out but you can’t take it, huh?”
There is no comeback to this. You have humiliated your friend.
Always go with A first. B feels good when you imagine doing it, (while you’re taking a shower and stewing about what your friend said), but when you actually do it, it feels terrible for you both. As a human with feelings, option B yields a bitter fruit. But it will end the ball busting if applied a few times, only at great cost.
Bonus tip: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If you don’t bust your friends’ balls, you don’t open the door to the ball-busting to begin with. I’ve been able to avoid it for the most part by not engaging. And if you do try some out, then be prepared for what comes back your way. Some guys like the whole deal. Most, I suspect, do not. Or at least they don’t like it when it’s their turn, but they like it when they’re firing the canon. Just remember, he who lives by the ball breaking shall die by the ball breaking. What goes around, comes around.
Lastly, have a sense of humor about yourself. If you take yourself too seriously, some good-natured ribbing might be an affectionate attempt to let you know that you’re being too precious by people who really do love you. But you’ll know very quickly if this is the case based on how mean people are being.
Wishing you a pain-free time with your pals,
I am,
Sean Sakamoto
Reminds me of the people I work with and by that I mean 800 middle schoolers
Sean, thanks for this piece - two things popped for me. Passive aggressiveness, much as you describe amongst mid-western males, unfortunately is not all that unique. In South India we see this —what in our families we term as "taking unnecessary digs" - almost social conditioning. The other is a deeper issue of what constitutes acceptable intra-male behavior, esp when expressing softer emotions (empathy, caring, tenderness), the old "boys don't cry" trope. Unfortunate that we continue to perpetuate these.